The 80s Library

Heeeey…Do you like to read?

Kindles are all fine and well, but there are some works of literature that are unlikely to be found anywhere but a junkyard, your mom’s basement or the thriftstore. Even the library has to discard books to make room for new ones. That doesn’t mean we should discount the knowledge they may have to offer us.

This is a story about a girl and her friend, Jill. If we are to judge a book by its cover, we might say Jill is a budding kleptomaniac who is lucky to live in the 80s where store cameras were not nearly as common.

Also, Canadians have to pay a dollar more for the book. Unless they are like Jill. We Americans luck out because they are always paying more. They even pay for other people to go to the doctor.

We catch a glimpse of a preview on the back of the book. Jill’s best friend is worried because she has changed overnight and seems to experience intense mood swings. Considering Jill is also experiencing intense head aches, I would urge her to get a CAT scan immediately. A tumor could be pressing up against her skull. Jill’s friend will probably feel like such an idiot when she finds out Jill needs a lobotomy.

It seems to me that young adult lit of the 70s and 80s was always giving title characters the most screwed up names they could think of. Bo Jo Jones? Nobody is names Bo Jo Jones and Ann Head knows it.

This sixteen and seventeen year old are in for a rude awakening when they realize how long life is. Ask them where they see themselves in five years just for laughs.

This book is about a young man who replicates a five hundred dollar bill using his eagle eye and his tightly honed talents, and you’ll never guess why.

For a girl!!! Heather Nichols better recognize.

Also, this book is labeled JUST FOR BOYS, but it is probably okay to read it if you are a girl. No one is going to come breaking down your door.

This book is about a sixteen year old girl who wins a date with a famous rock star. I am so happy for this girl! I hope he writes a song about what a nice time they had at Chuck E Cheese together. Where a kid can be a kid.

The cover of this book is basically a crotch with a photograph laying on it.

That caption is spine tingling! What else would someone expect from an RL Stine novel?

Can Ginko Biloba help readers remember the meaning to more words?

What is a drug dealer?

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A Marriage for the 90s

This 1990s guide called Making Marriage Last a Lifetime was released by a group called Aid Association for Lutherans. I thought, this should be rich.

I personally do not believe in marriage at this point in time. I feel as though there is something better that is yet uncovered by most.

Also, I see many people use a marriage certificate as some sort of excuse to release the worst version of themselves unto their poor partners.

Some of the photographs accompanying the text were very idyllic.

“Let me show you where my favorite serial killer used to dispose of his bodies.”

Probably off to a Hootie and the Blowfish concert.

Marriage can be a challenge, but the Lutheran God can help.

A third party can be a vessel for our lord to help one see that there is nothing written in the bible against a man hoarding his wife’s used sanitary napkins and making a pad man costume from them.

Still, there is no denying 50% of people who read this book probably divorced. Statistics don’t lie.

“This kid doesn’t listen to shit I say!”

I’d rather read this book to draw lessons from.

Don’t shit the bed on your love life!

 

Historical Ephemera

The new Flea Market season has ushered in plenty of items to contemplate.

Despite the gusts of wind this Memorial Day weekend, many vendors had various types of ephemera on display.

This Barbie coloring book is loosely based on performing civic duties. I knew it would contain at least an ounce of substance because Barbie has short hair in this storyline.

“We Can Decorate These to Sell.” It sounds like Barbie is ready to open her own Etsy store.

Of note, someone had decided to take it upon themselves to number each page with an ink pen.

Barbie used the slang of the times to compliment Ken’s soap carving skills. For the big splash that the word “groovy” made among baby boomers, they sure have left it in the dust.

Ken tries to impress Pierre with his depth of knowledge about cars.

Barbie’s friend looks like a square but no one will be saying that later when they find out she has put the strongest marijuana on the market into the brownies.

The teachers are going to be tripping nutballs later.

Hope Mr. Moss has gotten over his fascination with the architecture of bridges.

You will need a skin graft on your ass to make it cute again if you do anything this dog doesn’t like. A dog of this caliber is most concerned with making sure his master is safe. If you so much as look at Officer Whatshisname the wrong way, this little sweetheart will make you regret it.

There was a whole stack of these Law Officer Magazines from 1985, but I promised my boyfriend, Robert, I wouldn’t blow my money on magazines this weekend. Besides, I am trying to save up for a new metal detector.

This Big Boy comic book illustrates how trouble and mayhem may be right in people’s faces, but they are most concerned with making sure everyone is following the rules. SHHHHHHHH!!!

Finally, a pack of playing cards brought to you by Basic Cigarettes.

You know these have to be at least twenty years young because they are MADE IN THE USA.

You’re so Basic.

xoxo

Fugly Santa Clauses of Getty Images Archives

I love to browse the archive feature of the Getty Images web page. There are many historic moments in time to behold. Santa Claus had so many pictures featured that there were bound to be some creeps. Here are some of the strangest I could find:

This Santa appears to be in need of medical attention.

As the woman appears to lean in for CPR, Santa grabs her and slips her the tongue.

Here are some men who appear to be training to be department store Santas. Under “DON’T” it says not to kiss the children. Why? So as not to spread infection. Did they have background checks back then? Also, it is advised that Santa should not lose his temper. If he has to hold a baby with a shitty diaper he should be all smiles.

In this Christmas episode of The Golden Girls, Santa toys with the idea of killing Rose. Dorothy looks like she is about to give Santa a piece of her mind. Hope it doesn’t wind up all over the wall.

Here is another Santa with a gun. Who could he be pointing it at? The Designing Women???

When I first saw this Santa, I didn’t know what kind of a hand gesture he was making. I thought maybe this was a Santa with a snorting addiction. Then I saw Alias Grace on Netflix set in the 1800s. Someone on the show used this gesture to imply something was meant to be kept secret and to hush up. Still, this is a goofy Santa.

I am sorry, but I would not feel comfortable with this Santa in my home. He looks like something the illustrator of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark would dream up.

Is this guy claiming to be the one and only Santa?

This Santa is over it.

Why the nose? It is a dead give away that this is not the real Santa.

In the apocalypse, Santa still visits.

No wonder she is screaming her head off. And that lady laughing in the background is no help.

Boo!

Is this Halloween or Christmas?!?!

Merry Christmas, anyway!

 

Holiday Party Tips

Are you going to a holiday party this year?

That sounds just fine. Here are some tips and pointers to optimize your fun and maybe even get you a kiss under the mistletoe.

Bring something different to pass around like an upside down pie. People like Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Doughboy can give you recipes.

Don’t bring a dish that scares people. Who would put that in their mouth?

This Harvard Beet Spice Cake is a great conversation piece.

“That sounds amazeballs!”

If it is YOUR party, make sure to invite a balanced amount of men and women.

Invite your grandmas if you do not know any women.

If you have refreshments, take it easy.

Some drinks may be stronger than they seem.

No one wants to end up bowing to the porcelain goddess all night while they could be singing Christmas Carols.

And you certainly do not want to end up like this guy who told his boss that he would make a great mall Santa, given he already has the belly for it.

Stay away from Grinches who want to start shit by asking you things like did you step in dog shit or is that your breath?

Surround yourself by those in the Christmas spirit!

(Getty Images)

Stay off of your phone. Christmas is only once a year.

But take lots of pictures!

If the cops come, just remain calm.

And remember this!

Psssss Pssssss!

(Getty Images)

Merry Christmas!

 

 

 

 

1985 Obscure TV Special

(Pinterest)

Getting ready for Christmas? I’m so glad.

Part of our Christmas traditions are the classic shows that roll around every year, like Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer or Frosty the Snowman.

However, some productions that were perhaps meant to become classics have sadly withered away and are no longer aired on television.

If you save Christmas, you’re going to be a pretty big deal, right?

The Glo-Friends don’t get any credit for it today. This Christmas special ran for the Christmas season of 1985.

(etsy)

These guys are Glo-Friends.

(Pinterest)

After this guy, the wildly popular Glo-Worm, came onto the scene in 1982, Playskool was moved to capitalize on his success, thus, Glo-Friends.

The Glo-Worm was pretty neat. He had a soft plush body and his plastic head would glow when he was hugged.

The Glo-Friends were just hunks of plastic. At least they glowed in the dark. You had to hold them up to a light first, though.

The Christmas special showed that everything was serene and happy in Glo-Friend Land.

Life was beautiful.

Mistletoe was abound.

Then, from God knows where, this bitch comes onto the scene. She is some kind of ice queen and she has a talking pelt.

She plots to hold Santa captive and ultimately destroy Christmas. She says her goal in doing so is to become famous.

She is shown tormenting a moose that lives among the Glo-Friends.

We begin to see how serious her powers are.

She imprisons Santa with an ice cage she creates by casting a dark spell.

Santa is so upset.

The reindeer break out into song.

The Glo-Worms use their special glowing power to melt the ice. This is nothing like the Care Bear Stare.

We can do it!

Santa busts free and is so happy Christmas will continue as planned.

The Evil fame monger gets washed away in the river?

The Glo-Worms guide Santa’s sleigh. This is nothing like Rudolph.

This special sort of stank.

But at least it’s something to write about in your diary.

 

 

 

Christmas TABOO

ATTENTION ALL MEN!

It is that time of year to start thinking about what you will give to that special lady in your life.

Many women would like to receive something romantic from the guy they fancy.

Just because something is practical and useful doesn’t mean it makes a good Christmas present.

Case and point: The Dustbuster.

Yes, it is nifty and convenient. But look here:

Darren found himself alone for New Years and Chrissy kissed Jack at midnight. Mr. Furley called Mrs. Roper to gossip about the whole ordeal.

Apparently, Larry was selling dustbusters out of the back of his van in the apartment complex parking lot.

Larry denies he is laying low for a while and won’t say where he got the money to leave Cindy a Mood Ring under the Christmas tree!

The Dustbuster is never a good choice.

So what are some holiday good selections to give to someone dear to your heart?

Fancy jewelry is always a safe bet. Such a gift is very personal and shows thoughtfulness.

You will be a prime example for all of your friends.

A doll to cuddle up with on nights you can’t be there is a very sweet sentiment.

A nice sweater to keep her cozy on blustery winter days will surely be treasured.

And if you would like to be suggestive, how about some sexy lingerie?

Wouldn’t want to be Steven on boxing day! Hope he attached gift receipts to those Dustbusters!

Anything but a Dustbuster!

Oh….

And your mom doesn’t want a Dustbuster, either!

 

 

 

 

 

A Very Retro Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here!

It is the time of the year to gather with family.

“Why does HE have to  be related to me?!”

We get to see those cousins we don’t get to see enough and perhaps go for a little walk before dinner.

imgur

Some relatives may have a different political affiliation.

Don’t forget to pack this.

Don’t forget to give special thanks to those who labored over the meal.

Perhaps it was you.

Give yourself a pat on the back and that kid a pat on the ass.

Thanksgiving is a great time to get holiday selfies.

Snap, snap!

Dinner time toasts are the perfect time to announce new arrivals!

“Can I be in the delivery room, Auntie?”

And remember, if you need to eat breakfast, don’t let Thanksgiving day fasters talk you out of it. Do things your own way.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Tomorrow, Christmas will be in full swing.

“What do YOU want for Christmas?”

Books of Yesteryear

When second hand book hunting, I often come across books I never dreamed existed.

For instance, Saved by the Bell was adapted into a novel. Did you know that?

Julie did. I guess That Old Zack Magic was “especially for girls”, according to the title pages. Hey, I know a lot of guys who watched The Bell, too.

The back of the book lets us in on what the book is about. Some things are a little off compared to the smash hit series.

It seems like the author never saw the show, then sat down to watch maybe ten minutes of an episode before writing the book.

By Mario, does the author mean Mario Lopez, the actor who plays A.C. Slater?

(Instyle)

“Hey, Beth Cruise, the name’s Slater. A.C. Slater!”

The summary also mentions Lisa, a character that checks out. But also, there is a Cal Evert (WHO???) and an Eerie Eddie (whom I would have liked to have seen on the show).

The book itself is dedicated to the main character, Zack. What a novel idea. They should have done that with The Catcher in the Rye. “To Holden and all his magic.”

Anyway, I am sure That Old Zack Magic is a great book.

This book, an unofficial look into the life and times of Mandy Moore was out there in the wild.

Mandy Moore was just another lot lizard that emerged from Orlando, Florida along with Britney Spears and Christina Aguillera.

She sang I Miss You Like Candy, which begs the question whether the song is a metaphor for a diet.

If Mandy is afraid of butterflies…

…why the butterfly hair clips?

Why would anyone be afraid of butterflies?

Was Mandy edgy?

No. Everyone dressed like this back then.

Channeling Bridget Bardot.

Oh, dear. Has she caught a cold?

Nope. Just some fun eyeliner.

Unfortunately, this book was:

Remember to visit your local library.

Millennials are bringing them back. Thanks, Millennials!

Who is Cathy?

(Pinterest)

Most Americans of a certain age and older will recall Cathy. She was a daily comic strip character who was just very frustrated in general. “ACK!” was her most typical reaction to life. She had a very negative body image which the creator attempted to use for humor.

(Mike Lynch Cartoons)

Cathy debuted in 1976. The strip was written and illustrated by Cathy Guisewite. Perhaps Cathy was a projection of herself, as they share the same name.

Cathy never really ascertains the feminist movement. Which Cathy?

Extremely early on, Cathy was quite tall and slender. Just as frazzled, however.

Within a year or so, Cathy inexplicably shrinks in stature and rounds out so she can make light of weight issues. She is also bald on top for a little bit. “Acking” causes hair to fall out.

There was an attempt to make Cathy the everyday woman that we could all relate to.

I personally thought Nancy much more interesting and independent, and she debuted in comics in the 1920s! Nancy was a perpetual 8 year old girl, however. What would Nancy be like at Cathy’s age? Probably a riveter, if she had aged in real time.

(luxuryjones,  etsy)

Somebody sure liked Cathy, though, because people bought her merchandise.

Cathy was put out of her misery in 2010.

How would Cathy fair in today’s climate?

(Pinterest)

On second thought, do not disturb yourself with that question.