The 80s Library

61507839_439644233492173_4893281009409196032_n

Heeeey…Do you like to read?

61384892_336687500355855_2280442667114430464_n

Kindles are all fine and well, but there are some works of literature that are unlikely to be found anywhere but a junkyard, your mom’s basement or the thriftstore. Even the library has to discard books to make room for new ones. That doesn’t mean we should discount the knowledge they may have to offer us.

61194420_362446457737582_5596959367330004992_n

This is a story about a girl and her friend, Jill. If we are to judge a book by its cover, we might say Jill is a budding kleptomaniac who is lucky to live in the 80s where store cameras were not nearly as common.

Also, Canadians have to pay a dollar more for the book. Unless they are like Jill. We Americans luck out because they are always paying more. They even pay for other people to go to the doctor.

61314422_413945752790072_5393711954286084096_n

We catch a glimpse of a preview on the back of the book. Jill’s best friend is worried because she has changed overnight and seems to experience intense mood swings. Considering Jill is also experiencing intense head aches, I would urge her to get a CAT scan immediately. A tumor could be pressing up against her skull. Jill’s friend will probably feel like such an idiot when she finds out Jill needs a lobotomy.

61056942_701522293584300_7342435867425767424_n.jpg

It seems to me that young adult lit of the 70s and 80s was always giving title characters the most screwed up names they could think of. Bo Jo Jones? Nobody is names Bo Jo Jones and Ann Head knows it.

This sixteen and seventeen year old are in for a rude awakening when they realize how long life is. Ask them where they see themselves in five years just for laughs.

62033242_618897931943442_4970681164806225920_n

This book is about a young man who replicates a five hundred dollar bill using his eagle eye and his tightly honed talents, and you’ll never guess why.

61473070_437225190411392_7346402759349895168_n.jpg

For a girl!!! Heather Nichols better recognize.

Also, this book is labeled JUST FOR BOYS, but it is probably okay to read it if you are a girl. No one is going to come breaking down your door.

61321611_1270315803133481_9192633110536126464_n

This book is about a sixteen year old girl who wins a date with a famous rock star. I am so happy for this girl! I hope he writes a song about what a nice time they had at Chuck E Cheese together. Where a kid can be a kid.

61930763_457036798393613_485289321142681600_n

The cover of this book is basically a crotch with a photograph laying on it.

61312610_464821607669965_3523460113006329856_n

That caption is spine tingling! What else would someone expect from an RL Stine novel?

61938864_604128866738066_7429232706891808768_n

Can Ginko Biloba help readers remember the meaning to more words?

61990299_1298331996991672_5831981854667833344_n

What is a drug dealer?

Advertisements

A Marriage for the 90s

61189378_408545086666251_6109691665478320128_n

This 1990s guide called Making Marriage Last a Lifetime was released by a group called Aid Association for Lutherans. I thought, this should be rich.

I personally do not believe in marriage at this point in time. I feel as though there is something better that is yet uncovered by most.

Also, I see many people use a marriage certificate as some sort of excuse to release the worst version of themselves unto their poor partners.

61480073_454266382065324_8809725188275961856_n

Some of the photographs accompanying the text were very idyllic.

61126862_2605230159501591_10967263414845440_n.jpg

“Let me show you where my favorite serial killer used to dispose of his bodies.”

61177720_598283740657869_5367008510519279616_n

Probably off to a Hootie and the Blowfish concert.

61372479_472032833339166_7469250489146671104_n

Marriage can be a challenge, but the Lutheran God can help.

61180526_433665434129297_4432506670102347776_n

A third party can be a vessel for our lord to help one see that there is nothing written in the bible against a man hoarding his wife’s used sanitary napkins and making a pad man costume from them.

61168180_697339634061481_3233367430445137920_n

Still, there is no denying 50% of people who read this book probably divorced. Statistics don’t lie.

60863131_688706431565134_6972172127021563904_n

“This kid doesn’t listen to shit I say!”

61704639_612501972567741_1976617775812050944_n

I’d rather read this book to draw lessons from.

61101898_365831540725678_5267350473089744896_n

Don’t shit the bed on your love life!

 

Historical Ephemera

61307671_2411879522421748_7499895501710426112_n

The new Flea Market season has ushered in plenty of items to contemplate.

Despite the gusts of wind this Memorial Day weekend, many vendors had various types of ephemera on display.

61277148_1388009024689910_4699324465325015040_n

This Barbie coloring book is loosely based on performing civic duties. I knew it would contain at least an ounce of substance because Barbie has short hair in this storyline.

“We Can Decorate These to Sell.” It sounds like Barbie is ready to open her own Etsy store.

Of note, someone had decided to take it upon themselves to number each page with an ink pen.

61133241_2286835384897814_5498388931583934464_n

Barbie used the slang of the times to compliment Ken’s soap carving skills. For the big splash that the word “groovy” made among baby boomers, they sure have left it in the dust.

61380689_442443933249853_1210554575535210496_n

Ken tries to impress Pierre with his depth of knowledge about cars.

61285731_475301553221666_4116650059280416768_n

Barbie’s friend looks like a square but no one will be saying that later when they find out she has put the strongest marijuana on the market into the brownies.

61120914_576308896233808_7468239191852187648_n

The teachers are going to be tripping nutballs later.

61136102_329142411092724_508362306363588608_n

Hope Mr. Moss has gotten over his fascination with the architecture of bridges.

61059373_2068627639930987_3066152941883752448_n

You will need a skin graft on your ass to make it cute again if you do anything this dog doesn’t like. A dog of this caliber is most concerned with making sure his master is safe. If you so much as look at Officer Whatshisname the wrong way, this little sweetheart will make you regret it.

There was a whole stack of these Law Officer Magazines from 1985, but I promised my boyfriend, Robert, I wouldn’t blow my money on magazines this weekend. Besides, I am trying to save up for a new metal detector.

61305883_330368530974073_216755244103630848_n

This Big Boy comic book illustrates how trouble and mayhem may be right in people’s faces, but they are most concerned with making sure everyone is following the rules. SHHHHHHHH!!!

61051841_2256482151335287_6757636410347356160_n

Finally, a pack of playing cards brought to you by Basic Cigarettes.

61060510_341176249917563_8849661417691807744_n

You know these have to be at least twenty years young because they are MADE IN THE USA.

61094336_610236809442454_7220924658437062656_n

You’re so Basic.

xoxo

Fugly Santa Clauses of Getty Images Archives

48385558_277106039663472_1894725084623405056_n

I love to browse the archive feature of the Getty Images web page. There are many historic moments in time to behold. Santa Claus had so many pictures featured that there were bound to be some creeps. Here are some of the strangest I could find:

48386397_359064588004900_4463490186218569728_n

This Santa appears to be in need of medical attention.

48394916_1473883819381904_2616967957644836864_n.jpg

As the woman appears to lean in for CPR, Santa grabs her and slips her the tongue.

48357276_773971399622539_8356790495724175360_n

Here are some men who appear to be training to be department store Santas. Under “DON’T” it says not to kiss the children. Why? So as not to spread infection. Did they have background checks back then? Also, it is advised that Santa should not lose his temper. If he has to hold a baby with a shitty diaper he should be all smiles.

48390982_2249106702033724_1553059229340794880_n

In this Christmas episode of The Golden Girls, Santa toys with the idea of killing Rose. Dorothy looks like she is about to give Santa a piece of her mind. Hope it doesn’t wind up all over the wall.

48380489_560370421102405_1696857410175500288_n

Here is another Santa with a gun. Who could he be pointing it at? The Designing Women???

48355238_746859599004718_7221718308263821312_n.jpg

When I first saw this Santa, I didn’t know what kind of a hand gesture he was making. I thought maybe this was a Santa with a snorting addiction. Then I saw Alias Grace on Netflix set in the 1800s. Someone on the show used this gesture to imply something was meant to be kept secret and to hush up. Still, this is a goofy Santa.

48427554_587990151660057_1917832356568236032_n

I am sorry, but I would not feel comfortable with this Santa in my home. He looks like something the illustrator of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark would dream up.

48356101_2163197543725307_4277816022708256768_n

Is this guy claiming to be the one and only Santa?

48389462_801062680244874_3579677717332754432_n.jpg

This Santa is over it.

48418033_323320418511300_7114621099714805760_n

Why the nose? It is a dead give away that this is not the real Santa.

48406000_363982437514912_921511660290572288_n

In the apocalypse, Santa still visits.

48403449_1984334125199809_4084568143932948480_n

No wonder she is screaming her head off. And that lady laughing in the background is no help.

48421493_377646122980085_3835838895535161344_n

Boo!

Is this Halloween or Christmas?!?!

48376143_509937902849848_3180381260727975936_n

Merry Christmas, anyway!

 

Holiday Party Tips

48379331_320273878575029_6045740757787082752_n

Are you going to a holiday party this year?

48370410_305905000046572_1182730342872645632_n

That sounds just fine. Here are some tips and pointers to optimize your fun and maybe even get you a kiss under the mistletoe.

48051743_2445919812301602_5098364675590979584_n

Bring something different to pass around like an upside down pie. People like Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Doughboy can give you recipes.

48213561_2231385317083761_865674091850366976_n

Don’t bring a dish that scares people. Who would put that in their mouth?

48355572_271643020372685_7502668976841818112_n

This Harvard Beet Spice Cake is a great conversation piece.

48275568_2195862360655992_3620540908065259520_n

“That sounds amazeballs!”

48226637_581842858920881_8669004755235766272_n

If it is YOUR party, make sure to invite a balanced amount of men and women.

48429326_491989277956759_5817806551330586624_n

Invite your grandmas if you do not know any women.

48051780_368628547042980_7692668473066913792_n

If you have refreshments, take it easy.

48188488_1889879437788474_500730231082975232_n

Some drinks may be stronger than they seem.

47680908_1074822676059361_6684565057998684160_n

No one wants to end up bowing to the porcelain goddess all night while they could be singing Christmas Carols.

48087598_210426013168661_9038981785098125312_n

And you certainly do not want to end up like this guy who told his boss that he would make a great mall Santa, given he already has the belly for it.

48194104_781147232234677_5533621222622887936_n

Stay away from Grinches who want to start shit by asking you things like did you step in dog shit or is that your breath?

48355853_299611310673138_5599591001166446592_n

Surround yourself by those in the Christmas spirit!

48082056_389274791814319_5907330128093904896_n(Getty Images)

Stay off of your phone. Christmas is only once a year.

48364697_2183077531904780_3847137923698786304_n

But take lots of pictures!

48245166_2171095622952199_5340489312259538944_n

If the cops come, just remain calm.

48365034_2278314412413226_3074780362950311936_n

And remember this!

46912912_2209614255965070_6254238171349909504_n

Psssss Pssssss!

48375945_657147031353892_5914290199906484224_n(Getty Images)

Merry Christmas!

 

 

 

 

1985 Obscure TV Special

47684955_1085776768261962_3432397464777261056_n(Pinterest)

Getting ready for Christmas? I’m so glad.

2014120622Rudolph_178.c7251

Part of our Christmas traditions are the classic shows that roll around every year, like Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer or Frosty the Snowman.

However, some productions that were perhaps meant to become classics have sadly withered away and are no longer aired on television.

46922970_1929707037066621_2329867995410595840_n.jpg

If you save Christmas, you’re going to be a pretty big deal, right?

The Glo-Friends don’t get any credit for it today. This Christmas special ran for the Christmas season of 1985.

(etsy)

These guys are Glo-Friends.

(Pinterest)

After this guy, the wildly popular Glo-Worm, came onto the scene in 1982, Playskool was moved to capitalize on his success, thus, Glo-Friends.

The Glo-Worm was pretty neat. He had a soft plush body and his plastic head would glow when he was hugged.

The Glo-Friends were just hunks of plastic. At least they glowed in the dark. You had to hold them up to a light first, though.

46960612_367876907292791_6133265010094243840_n

The Christmas special showed that everything was serene and happy in Glo-Friend Land.

46886288_517338862077767_3291004787750862848_n

Life was beautiful.

46741266_2051395538432923_1550674010663026688_n

Mistletoe was abound.

46826831_519161935240828_990476117666168832_n

Then, from God knows where, this bitch comes onto the scene. She is some kind of ice queen and she has a talking pelt.

46831568_757459997947106_6267644688426074112_n

She plots to hold Santa captive and ultimately destroy Christmas. She says her goal in doing so is to become famous.

46790469_521388928271770_5300344613721079808_n

She is shown tormenting a moose that lives among the Glo-Friends.

46829622_583968445392347_5217022639020703744_n

We begin to see how serious her powers are.

47067080_315932852339299_2425151728908238848_n

She imprisons Santa with an ice cage she creates by casting a dark spell.

46874546_298049634383783_8313458682343981056_n

Santa is so upset.

47041337_258410124830512_8161005158860324864_n

The reindeer break out into song.

46836916_263393097677071_7978879458675261440_n

The Glo-Worms use their special glowing power to melt the ice. This is nothing like the Care Bear Stare.

46881379_1927995713916217_6629541428810743808_n

We can do it!

46787917_2258921181060306_2119030116729225216_n

Santa busts free and is so happy Christmas will continue as planned.

46878299_268688420485319_2033507405081346048_n

The Evil fame monger gets washed away in the river?

47052476_196093341325291_1943158120855371776_n

The Glo-Worms guide Santa’s sleigh. This is nothing like Rudolph.

48340002_585791661949731_3089645077258043392_n

This special sort of stank.

46770493_493180181161370_8752191343977037824_n.jpg

But at least it’s something to write about in your diary.

 

 

 

Christmas TABOO

ATTENTION ALL MEN!

47082582_2243879572547828_4515046952164917248_n

It is that time of year to start thinking about what you will give to that special lady in your life.

Many women would like to receive something romantic from the guy they fancy.

Just because something is practical and useful doesn’t mean it makes a good Christmas present.

46825082_1930759483710445_3860911849457319936_n

Case and point: The Dustbuster.

Yes, it is nifty and convenient. But look here:

46897157_2069853143074964_4705557755656667136_n

46828839_2211274632216585_4575039995953283072_n

46803636_273151730053773_7677358417895227392_n

Darren found himself alone for New Years and Chrissy kissed Jack at midnight. Mr. Furley called Mrs. Roper to gossip about the whole ordeal.

45047276_1282042761936844_5015251324632039424_n - Copy

Apparently, Larry was selling dustbusters out of the back of his van in the apartment complex parking lot.

47282203_296728167636171_445438342532694016_n

47324610_342852793176943_473443595181883392_n

Larry denies he is laying low for a while and won’t say where he got the money to leave Cindy a Mood Ring under the Christmas tree!

47238345_912114185654218_3458148576855588864_n

The Dustbuster is never a good choice.

So what are some holiday good selections to give to someone dear to your heart?

46846117_2421393177976262_3580707882418569216_n

Fancy jewelry is always a safe bet. Such a gift is very personal and shows thoughtfulness.

46944584_383205335751306_356339808617889792_n

You will be a prime example for all of your friends.

47222565_1058898320981550_8733472106974543872_n

A doll to cuddle up with on nights you can’t be there is a very sweet sentiment.

47010290_614270162322910_6303379202875850752_n

47010305_2378684082160745_667919426581954560_n

A nice sweater to keep her cozy on blustery winter days will surely be treasured.

47272067_2003531946405687_3317822056740945920_n

46845386_583838778696971_8876104182713548800_n

And if you would like to be suggestive, how about some sexy lingerie?

47063560_747232305675914_7325662087399604224_n

Wouldn’t want to be Steven on boxing day! Hope he attached gift receipts to those Dustbusters!

47224430_2227518520793160_8918912254896766976_n

Anything but a Dustbuster!

47284437_262967724368590_2100619709350150144_n47048905_359333244827218_2364178925770244096_n

Oh….

46868057_316252685878350_1280427620357373952_n (1)

And your mom doesn’t want a Dustbuster, either!

 

 

 

 

 

A Very Retro Thanksgiving

46503527_1309334252543169_6151746786944876544_n

Thanksgiving is here!

46510774_2257760877776142_2600078862041743360_n

It is the time of the year to gather with family.

46843966_289369905252555_4105099921558863872_n

“Why does HE have to  be related to me?!”

46638480_345160652937644_4144420012146294784_n

We get to see those cousins we don’t get to see enough and perhaps go for a little walk before dinner.

ztur0Th.pngimgur

46787926_1673552109418070_8222169951331418112_n

Some relatives may have a different political affiliation.

46506095_2188688851162858_3516553376097632256_n (1)

Don’t forget to pack this.

45047276_1282042761936844_5015251324632039424_n

Don’t forget to give special thanks to those who labored over the meal.

46513855_1817711725005054_1887111920083795968_n

Perhaps it was you.

46648933_516459775486874_3076559600397320192_n

Give yourself a pat on the back and that kid a pat on the ass.

46516141_585506608538359_8289730839164485632_n

Thanksgiving is a great time to get holiday selfies.

46775501_294807714493090_1618399881074835456_n.jpg

Snap, snap!

46762519_723640854664592_8425716495962603520_n.jpg

Dinner time toasts are the perfect time to announce new arrivals!

46519712_385610895314050_6862408336487219200_n

“Can I be in the delivery room, Auntie?”

46499315_318483675414806_5479375205853822976_n

And remember, if you need to eat breakfast, don’t let Thanksgiving day fasters talk you out of it. Do things your own way.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

46687624_1025202647662977_1549131430208995328_n

Tomorrow, Christmas will be in full swing.

46843966_289369905252555_4105099921558863872_n

“What do YOU want for Christmas?”

Books of Yesteryear

45186521_258752351429524_3168043786781589504_n

When second hand book hunting, I often come across books I never dreamed existed.

45276131_300854027416364_7003321308616327168_n

For instance, Saved by the Bell was adapted into a novel. Did you know that?

45207278_252800195405031_552133164185681920_n

Julie did. I guess That Old Zack Magic was “especially for girls”, according to the title pages. Hey, I know a lot of guys who watched The Bell, too.

45250385_794140984250424_1940680547495837696_n

The back of the book lets us in on what the book is about. Some things are a little off compared to the smash hit series.

It seems like the author never saw the show, then sat down to watch maybe ten minutes of an episode before writing the book.

By Mario, does the author mean Mario Lopez, the actor who plays A.C. Slater?

Mario Lopez, Saved By The Bell(Instyle)

“Hey, Beth Cruise, the name’s Slater. A.C. Slater!”

The summary also mentions Lisa, a character that checks out. But also, there is a Cal Evert (WHO???) and an Eerie Eddie (whom I would have liked to have seen on the show).

45200379_318855708928390_4356219319256875008_n

The book itself is dedicated to the main character, Zack. What a novel idea. They should have done that with The Catcher in the Rye. “To Holden and all his magic.”

Anyway, I am sure That Old Zack Magic is a great book.

45214321_296155584322611_4460878682893844480_n

This book, an unofficial look into the life and times of Mandy Moore was out there in the wild.

Mandy Moore was just another lot lizard that emerged from Orlando, Florida along with Britney Spears and Christina Aguillera.

She sang I Miss You Like Candy, which begs the question whether the song is a metaphor for a diet.

45176653_743335929352285_2648153624986779648_n.jpg

If Mandy is afraid of butterflies…

45047276_1282042761936844_5015251324632039424_n

…why the butterfly hair clips?

Why would anyone be afraid of butterflies?

45235713_2254903504796512_4196948355529572352_n

Was Mandy edgy?

45210533_354377088468570_6105627252026769408_n.jpg

No. Everyone dressed like this back then.

45191607_517349822073859_527784303094923264_n

Channeling Bridget Bardot.

45191607_517349822073859_527784303094923264_n (1)

Oh, dear. Has she caught a cold?

45202808_505117696670920_6683500580419141632_n

Nope. Just some fun eyeliner.

Unfortunately, this book was:

45120085_1913178382052104_5025718769817747456_n

45271014_548593452251184_6679144762026491904_n

Remember to visit your local library.

Millennials are bringing them back. Thanks, Millennials!

Who is Cathy?

96070cb6b891fef7eddb55b03421be2d--lose--pounds-love-life(Pinterest)

Most Americans of a certain age and older will recall Cathy. She was a daily comic strip character who was just very frustrated in general. “ACK!” was her most typical reaction to life. She had a very negative body image which the creator attempted to use for humor.

7-of-the-most-affectionate-cat-breeds-522ed069473c9(Mike Lynch Cartoons)

Cathy debuted in 1976. The strip was written and illustrated by Cathy Guisewite. Perhaps Cathy was a projection of herself, as they share the same name.

45355528_708999929466252_488013532999188480_n

Cathy never really ascertains the feminist movement. Which Cathy?

45338162_785616491769696_4891409297021337600_n

Extremely early on, Cathy was quite tall and slender. Just as frazzled, however.

45250385_794140984250424_1940680547495837696_n

Within a year or so, Cathy inexplicably shrinks in stature and rounds out so she can make light of weight issues. She is also bald on top for a little bit. “Acking” causes hair to fall out.

45359135_485574058630190_38532148772208640_n

There was an attempt to make Cathy the everyday woman that we could all relate to.

713c0864e5c054a83ffa4d536053d985

I personally thought Nancy much more interesting and independent, and she debuted in comics in the 1920s! Nancy was a perpetual 8 year old girl, however. What would Nancy be like at Cathy’s age? Probably a riveter, if she had aged in real time.

96070cb6b891fef7eddb55b03421be2d--lose--pounds-love-life

(luxuryjones,  etsy)

Somebody sure liked Cathy, though, because people bought her merchandise.

96070cb6b891fef7eddb55b03421be2d--lose--pounds-love-life

Cathy was put out of her misery in 2010.

7-of-the-most-affectionate-cat-breeds-522ed069473c9

How would Cathy fair in today’s climate?

7-of-the-most-affectionate-cat-breeds-522ed069473c9(Pinterest)

On second thought, do not disturb yourself with that question.